Gibat (Backbitting)

I've been wondering lately about why we human beings like to gossip so much. I'm referring here to that whole family of actions that go by such names as gossip, slander, backbite, whisper, talk behind someone's back, criticize and so on. I realize each term is slightly different from the other, but I'm concerned here with their over-arching commonality. Please try to feel this with me for a moment.

 

You're sitting with a person, perhaps a casual friend whom you're hoping will become a close friend. You're both laughing, actively listening, affirming each other in the dozens of subtle, non-verbal ways that friends do, consciously or not. In the midst of your enjoyable conversation (you can almost feel the strengthening bond that's growing between you), Abid's name comes up. Your friend exclaims, "Oh, Abid! He's kind of odd, isn't he? He's quite a talker. And you know he struggles a little with needing to be the center of attention." Now, I think the world of Abid. I really do like him. But…….. At that very moment, a certain warm, delicious rush just shoots through your body. You lean closer. There's something inexplicably enjoyable about your new friend's having suddenly taken you into his confidence. You feel special somehow. A new, more intimate bond is developing between you two. It's not that you hate Abid - it's just that you want to keep moving forward with your new friend. "Yeah, I know what you mean," you reply. "I was with him last week, and he said . . ." And away you go.

So Why Do We Do It? Why is it that we enjoy (come on, admit it) talking about others behind their backs - and why do we enjoy listening to others who do it with us?  I think we enjoy backbiting so much because it makes us feel superior. If you and I feel a bit insecure with our friendship to start with, a false intimacy can quickly arise when we both identify a common inferior. For a brief moment we feel better about ourselves as you and I look down together on someone else. In a rather perverse sense, it's one way we go about being accepted by each other.

The Trust Factor -- I can't tell you how very, very secure this made me feel around Arwa. How much respect I had for her! Often I'd see her chatting with a friend, huddling close together and laughing. And I knew, with 100% certainty, that they were not talking negatively about me. Have you ever wondered to yourself, Gosh, if this person finds it so easy to drop little negative comments to me about others, I wonder what she's saying to others about me when I'm not around? I have wondered several times. It takes a little bit of the zing out of enjoying a session of backbiting, knowing that this present momentary thrill of intimacy will most likely be eclipsed by a betrayal in the near future.

I think our great fear about not joining in when gossip starts is that our friend will like us less, will pull back, and will now refrain from sharing other intimate things with us. But that's wrong thinking. In the very short term, it may seem so.  But in the long run, if over time we have developed a reputation as people who keep confidences and never backbite, we will find our friendships increasing and deepening.

Think of all the friends you have right now. Who are the ones you feel quite certain do not gossip about you? Who are the ones who wouldn't surprise you if they did talk about you behind your back? Whom do you respect more? Wouldn't it be great if Mumineen had the reputation (at work, at school, with neighbors) of not speaking negatively behind others' backs? We should be more like Arwa. Such a pledge may mean gently changing the topic when we sense backbiting is coming on, or even confronting someone about his or her loose tongue. But most of all we should want to develop the kind of character that takes a secret delight in saying positive things about another person - someone who can trust us to guard our tongue.

If you are unable to do three things, then you must do three (other) things: if you cannot do good, then stop doing evil; if you cannot benefit people, then do not harm them; if you cannot fast, then do not eat the flesh of the people. Remember What Maula who is Quran-e-Natiq quotes from the Quran that a person who does Gibat  is like a person who eats the flesh from his brother's dead body.

There are many methods and guises that are employed when one mentions another in a negative way:

Under the pretense of being informative, one could say that it is not one's habit to mention others, except for the sake of relating another's condition to someone. Or one could state that by Allah, indeed so-and-so is one to be pitied, thereby showing superiority over one who is to be rejected. Another method might be to say that so-and-so is a good person; however, he has such and such qualities. Again, one is justified in revealing another's faults. One could also simply state that we should forget so-and-so, and make supplication for their forgiveness as well as our own, intending only to belittle the one that was mentioned. There are some who are jealous about someone and hence backbite- just to criticize and defame him in the company of others.

Some people also backbite for the sake of humor, playfulness and lightheartedness. A person finds a certain amount of satisfaction from being appreciated for his story-telling abilities; speaking ill of someone in a humorous fashion adds flavor to a tale.

Others engage in backbiting by showing surprise and amazement at another's actions: "'How is it that someone could do such a thing?"

Another form of backbiting is relating someone's misfortune to their enemies, so that they, too, may find pleasure in putting them down.

In reality, all these tactics are designed to try to deceive Allah (the Exalted) and to please the creation; and in reality, the many that follow these methods only serve to deceive themselves.

From these examples, one can surmise that backbiting pertains to a disease of the mind... But you can get rid of it through Nuero Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP is a science which deals with behaviour modification. It deals with your unconscious. Permanent  behavior modification can only take place when we reach our unconscious mind. Vows and pledges may help temporary change as this is done at the conscious level. I am an NLP practitioner and offer my khidmat  to help whoever wants to bring about any change in behaviour may it be backbiting or any behaviour which maybe against shariat..

 May Allah save us from this most evil of actions and protect us from its temptations.

Amte Syedna(TUS)
Nisreen Sh Abbas Merchant
Mumbai

Are we dis-respecting the Holy Book

The Holy Quran is respected by billions of people around the globe. Ask a muslim and he will tell you that the place for the Quran al-Majid is the highest in his heart and he does have a very special place to keep it in his home, somewhere high from the ground.

 

It is sad that no one has ever thought of how we are disrespecting this holiest revelation by printing it's verses in newspapers, palmplets, magazines and other such publications that are often thrown away in the garbage or are found lying on the floor with people often stepping on it or even wrapping stuff, which could be a thing that is not halal even.

 

The Quran al-Kareem is not supposed to be touched by non-muslims, more-over polytheists but what does happen when its published in wide spread publications. Though this is an altogether different subject but it does matter.

 

I noticed this fact when I saw Quranic Ayats published in condolence messages. I see that the newsboy had thrown the paper on our doorstep as usual in the morning as I had just finished the Quranic recital and it striked me that we are doing something not supposed to be. As today I saw these pages in garbage and it moved my soul. With due respect I would like to bring this to the notice of the ministry of information and the mass publications as well. Something must be done about this saddening situation.

Don't say "YES"when you want to say "NO".

Tell me if this sounds familiar -- someone asks you to do something that you really don't want to do or you honestly don't have time for. It might be a request or an unreasonable request from a friend, a neighbour, a close relative, a familty member, your office colleague or your boss for just working late. But you feel like you will let the other person down if you say no. You feel GUILTY already, and you haven't even responded yet! So you say, "Sure," even though doing so is going to put you under tremendous stress and PRESSURE. You know that you will probably end up resenting this activity, and maybe even ducking some of your responsibilities because your heart's just not in it, but you go ahead and agree anyway.

Why are we so afraid to tell people "NO"? For some reason, we have been taught that "no" is DISRESPECTFUL -- and even insulting. We seem to value other people's time more than our own -- feeling that we need to bend over backward to accommodate others, even if it inconveniences us. I know we're atoning for the "me" 1980's, but let's be reasonable! "No" is actually one of the healthiest words that can come out of your mouth. When you tell someone "no," you are really saying that you understand and accept your own LIMITS, and don't want to do a shoddy job by overwhelming yourself. That you value your time and priorities and aren't willing to take away from the truly important things in your life. A little selfishness is necessary, if you want to maintain a balanced and sane life!

So how do you say "NO" without insulting the other person, feeling consumed with guilt, or hurting your own credibility? We need to find a way to say "no" without dragging up all of those HIDDEN FEARS -- they'll think I'm lazy or selfish, that I have no career drive, that I'm not ambitious, that I have no concern for other people. And it's time to give up all of those roles you're so proud of -- supermom, martyr, hero -- but are keeping you from finding true peace. Once you've accepted that you have the right (and often responsibility) to turn someone down, you can do it in a way that doesn't seem like a REJECTION. Let me show you how:

Here are 20 ways to say "NO" without hurting others

"I CAN'T RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER"
"I'M REALLY NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB"
"I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM IN MY CALENDAR RIGHT NOW"
"I CAN'T, BUT LET ME GIVE YOU THE NAME OF SOMEONE WHO CAN"
"I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT"
"I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS AND CAN'T SPARE THE TIME"
"I'VE HAD A FEW THINGS COME UP AND I NEED TO DEAL WITH THOSE FIRST"
"I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN END UP DOING A MEDIOCRE JOB"
"I'M REALLY FOCUSING MORE ON MY PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE RIGHT NOW"
"I'M REALLY FOCUSING MORE ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW"
"I REALLY DON'T ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK"
"I CAN'T, BUT I'M HAPPY TO HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK"
"I'VE LEARNED IN THE PAST THAT THIS REALLY ISN'T MY STRONG SUIT"
"I'M SURE YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB ON YOUR OWN"
"I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH THAT, SO I CAN'T HELP YOU"
"I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT"
"I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG TOO MANY PROJECTS"
"I'M COMMITTED TO LEAVING SOME TIME FOR MYSELF IN MY SCHEDULE"
"I'M NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW PROJECTS RIGHT NOW"
or a simple, straight, direct "NO"

Contact for In-House Training on Assertiviness Skills.

With Kind Regards
Shabbar Suterwala
Corporate Trainer & Psychological Counsellor
Ph: +91 989 222 5864
ShabbarSuterwala @ Hotmail.Com

10 Tips for Teachers

Tips to help both new and experienced teachers build rapport, motivate students, use teaching aids effectively, and more.

1) Be Prepared
Before you set foot in the classroom, make sure you have a plan for the course and class. Share your plans with your class - distribute a syllabus on the first day and post the objectives for the day on the board at the beginning of each and every class.

2) Use a Variety of Approaches
Plan a variety of approaches and activities for each session. In a single class, you could have a teacher lecture, a small group discussion, and a written reflection assignment. Varying teaching strategies appeals to learning style differences and keeps participants attentive and engaged. Aim to get participants out of their chairs and interacting at least once per class.

3) Encourage Interaction
Have students work in pairs or small groups whenever possible: to check homework questions, to prepare presentations, etc. Not only does interaction acknowledge and draw upon the tremendous experience and knowledge adults bring to the classroom, but students gain confidence as they check and confirm answers with their peers. Having a network of friends can enhance a student's academic success.

4) Address Students by Name
Addressing students by name helps build rapport. While taking attendance, record students' names (and possibly identifying qualities) on a seating plan. Don't call upon students in a predictable pattern, and mark the plan each time you ask a student a question. This way, you'll routinely call upon everyone more or less equally. At some institutions, you can request a class list which includes photos from student cards. Otherwise, take Polaroids or digital images and cram before the next class.

5) Use the Board Effectively
Bring your own whiteboard markers and/or chalk and an eraser to every class. Record lesson objectives in a margin of the board at the beginning of class. Be sure to note key points, homework, etc. on the board. Monitor the size, pressure and legibility of your writing. Use a variety of colors for emphasis and clarity. Baby wipes are great for cleaning your hands at the end of class (They work well for cleaning overhead transparencies, too)!

6) Use Other Audio-Visual Aids Effectively
Audio-visual aids such as overhead projectors and transparencies, flip charts, audio and video players, etc. can be tremendous assets when used effectively, but great liabilities when not. Check equipment before class to ensure that it is working, that you know how to use it, and that tapes and counters are cued. Position the equipment and yourself so that everyone can see and/or hear clearly.

7) Manage Handouts
Try telling students that you will be giving a handout after presenting the material, but that you'd like them to listen and think for now. Don't just read handout material passively to students, present the main points and elicit support and examples from the class. Whenever possible, double-side handouts to conserve paper. Punch holes to help students file them neatly in their binders.

8) Check for Understanding
Asking students the question, "do you understand?" is an ineffective means of checking comprehension. Depending upon the focus of the lesson, check comprehension by 1) asking students to make a choice such as, "Is this statement true or untrue?" or "Is the best answer A or B?" 2) giving a demonstration of a practical task; or 3) brainstorming further examples to illustrate a point.

9) Give Feedback
Keep feedback focused and positive. For example, if you are giving a lesson on verb tenses, and a student provides an answer with correct verbs but incorrect articles, congratulate the student on their accurate use of the verbs. Try engaging the entire class by asking whether they agree or disagree with an answer. If some students disagree with an incorrect answer, elicit the correct response.

10) Ask for Feedback
Give students regular opportunities to provide anonymous feedback on your teaching and the course. New teachers are encouraged to invite feedback from experienced mentor teachers as well. Acknowledge and respond to feedback with grace. Clarify content or make adjustments to your teaching style as necessary.

Emirates Internet (EIM) and the reality

We might see the UAE as a very high tech economy with regards to the Internet but the situation is really different as compared to the other emerging economies around the globe the reason behind it maybe the monopoly of the eCompany or Etisalat. I doubt that if given an opportunity any multinational ISP would not be interested in stepping in the UAE and competition does have its own benefits. I would also like to point out that eCompany blocks sites that provide free SMS services like mtnsms or voice chats like skype which are a reality around the globe. In India its common to find places where INR 10 a minute is charged for an call anywhere round the globe via Internet phones that use routers and high speed Internet connections. Where does the UAE stand looking at this one may ask. Surely far behind if we were not to consider the profits made by Etisalat.

You better change yourself.

Don't Change the World

 

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a prosperous country. One day, he went for a trip to some distant areas of his country. When he was back to his palace, he complained that his feet were very painful, because it was the first time that he went for such a long trip, and the road that he went through was very rough and stony. He then ordered his people to cover every road of the entire country with leather. Definitely, this would need thousands of cows' skin, and would cost a huge amount of money.

Then one of his wise servant dared himself to tell the king, "Why do you have to spend that unnecessary amount of money ? Why don't you just cut a little piece of leather to cover your feet?"

The king was surprised, but he later agreed to his suggestion, to make a "shoe" for himself.

There is actually a valuable lesson of life in this story : to make this world a happy place to live, you better change yourself - your heart; and not the world.

BATTLE IN BHUJ - THE QUAKE AFTERMATH

DRAMA IN REAL LIFE
Dr Gyaneshwar Rao's

This is a real story tell be a doctor to someone.. telling how you helped them and what actually they needed at that time..

This is a story about the battle between the human will to survive and nature's destructive instinct. Dr Gyaneshwar Rao is a well-known surgeon in Bhuj. After reading how he saved many lives the day the earthquake struck, you have little doubt that the winner is in the fight between man and nature.

I have lived in Bhuj since 1987. This is the city of unambitious people. It is so small that everyone knows everyone. On January 26, I was playing badminton when the unexpected earthquake shook us. Unexpected because I have built a bungalow and hospital here and no authority ever told me to be careful. My friend and architect Kumtekar did prevail on me not to build a basement because he said Bhuj is in a seismic zone. I have been associated with 20 institutions in Bhuj, but no one ever discussed this, not even any of the collectors posted here.

No one can ever accurately describe what we experienced on Friday morning. It was frightening, sickening. For many moments the tremors did not stop. I screamed again and again, "Oh God, why don't you stop?" Dhadak, dhadak... Buildings were crashing down and a monstrous cloud of dust covered the city. My father described it correctly. He said it was like a huge plane landing right on your head.

When I came out, Bhuj was dead. That was the worst 15 minutes of my life. I drove home and saw my family. My wife Alka and daughter were searching for me. They were crying. All five of us hugged each other and cried.

I thought of my patients and rushed to the hospital. I gave someone a lift. Believe me, I don't know who sat next to me. My senses were numbed. My staffs were smart -- they had led all the patients out onto the road. Thus, they were saved. When I arrived, one of my staffers said, "Sir, forget it (my hospital). It's gone." I met Dr Mahadev Patel, we hugged and cried.

Someone shook me and asked, "Doctor, tamhe dhila thasho to kem chalshe? (How can you lose heart?) " That resident of Bhuj asked me to act. I was not prepared. I said, "What can I do? Let us go to the general hospital." He said, "Don't you know? It's gone. It has collapsed." I was speechless. I looked around for my stethoscope.

People started arriving outside where my hospital had stood. In 10 minutes, there were 100 patients. This was around 9.30 am. All of them had multiple injuries. Someone's intestine had burst, some had broken hands, and others came with broken legs. All of them needed surgery as soon as possible. I instantly took one correct decision, don't ask me how. I asked the injured to follow me to the Jubilee ground. All hell then broke loose. I am still amazed that in 10 minutes so many injured people got to know that medical help was available on Jubilee ground.

In that mad rush so many good doctors of Bhuj were around, but for the first few hours I was the only surgeon. People started jostling to catch my attention. I requested two of the patients's relatives to flank me for my protection. I did not have any injections. I was helpless. I did not have needle and thread either.
Do you know what I did? I shook the patients. With affection, I told them to get out of the trauma. I shouted: "Breathe deeply! Breathe deeply!" There were so many serious cases. So many people were dead! Ninety per cent of them had head injuries. I asked people to help. I asked one young man to break into a chemist's shop and get syringes, glucose bottles, needle and thread. I told him not to worry, that I would take the blame.

He got some supplies, but hardly much. Get medicines, I screamed. When I shouted again, people got courage. I got what I wanted. It was around 9.40 am. I realised the magnitude of the problem and knew that what I was doing was not enough. In an hour, patients from Anjar arrived, many with serious injuries. Dr Patel, Dr P N Acharya, Dr Pujara and Dr Bharat Joshi had joined me by then. I wanted to operate. I was desperate. The city had collapsed, and not a single operation theatre was available.

I asked my colleague Bharat Chothani to rush to my hospital and bring the operation kit. I asked patients's relatives to get me red tiles, sheets of wood and cardboard to put patients's limbs in plaster. I asked someone to get Menanitol. I used pieces of shawls, shirts and sarees as bandages. When one patient complained of bleeding I tore his headgear and tied it tightly around his thigh.

One man rushed to me with a girl in his hands. "Doctor," he said, "please treat her first." I thought the girl was dead. The father wanted my confirmation of that fact. "Be quick doctor. If she is dead, then let me rush to look for my wife in the debris of my home."

He was in deep shock, emotionless. I told him, "Just keep her in our care and run for your wife." He left, leaving his daughter's dead body in our custody.

The most traumatic thing for me that day was when I had to ask relatives to take the quickest possible decision -- to allow me to save a life by cutting off an injured limb. I was rough. I normally don't behave like that, and I am sorry. I knew every third patient personally. They would scream at me, "Doctor, why don't you look at my leg? Don't you recognise me?"

For the first few hours I only had one needle. I told Dr Bharat Joshi to hold that needle. It was the most valuable thing I had. My colleagues arranged patients in such a manner that I could stitch three patients at one go. Hundreds of patients were lying on the open ground. With a needle, thread and a pair of scissors, I started suturing. I was shouting at the patients, "Don't cry. Keep quiet." Around us, the noise level was so high. People were screaming in pain, relatives crying in anguish.

I must have sutured 150 patients that day. By 11 am, the home guards arrived, then came member of Parliament Pushpdan Gadhvi. I finally got a table; I asked for a tent. Once they were in place I started operating. Again, it was a hard time. With only a pair of scissors I had to cut off a leg or arm of many patients. I did it to save lives. Other doctors tied the bandages. By 3 pm, I had 5 tables and lots of medical help.

Harish Thakkar, who has a food stall on the footpath opposite the bus stand, asked if he could help. I said, "get me a gas stove and a huge utensil to boil water." He got it in no time and also brought dabeli, a popular dish in Bhuj, for the patients and their relatives. Imagine, hundreds of pieces in a few hours. It was a miracle.

As I was treating patients, I got pieces of news. "Ramesh is no more," that some other friend had died. So many people I knew have died. One nice chap put biscuits in my mouth when I was stitching wounds. He was so caring. Slowly, things got organised. We don't know who got those things for us. Things poured in. Dicloran and Tetanus Toxide injections were made available.

After 7 pm, I was tired it was beyond my scope. I went to the district health officer's office. It's an administrative post. The man does not know anything about medicine. I wanted a mobile operation theatre and 100 operation kits. It was not made available even on Monday night. I pleaded with him and the politicians. "Don't call doctors. Get the operation stuff first." Two hundred doctors have arrived in Kutch, but we don't know how to use them in the best way. Thirty bright medical men came from AIIMS, Delhi, but without equipment. Eighty per cent of medical help is useless unless we have an operation theatre and equipment.

Someone sent a helicopter full of Cloramycin, not a great help. I need 1,000 pairs of gloves, please. I understand that the sender does not know the ground realities. As of late night, January 29, we don't have a functioning orthopaedic section and an operation theatre. The military hospital is doing a wonderful job under Colonel Lahiri's leadership, but their resources are limited.

All the private dispensaries are shut, the government hospital is gone, and where will the children and mothers go? We want a temporary hospital that will last us 6 months.

As told to Sheela Bhatt